There are some unexpected surprises in our inquiry into the latest interiors ideas, with coyness about age, Miss Honey’s true colours and adjusting for the masses
Marmoleum Decibel flooring
Forbo
New head Miss Honey has initiated improvements including rebuilding to make this the first Passivhaus designed primary school in Scotland. A key feature for the new regime is the Marmoleum Decibel flooring, which, in addition to its climate-positive certification and durability, reduces impact noise by 18dB – an important therapeutic feature, given Trunchbull’s monstrous legacy.
‘I have to say, my trademark sweetness might not have survived without the calming effect of the Marmoleum’s sound-absorbing properties. I must just correct something though: these children aren’t traumatised! No! They’re just noisy little [REDACTED].'
Una cork plank flooring
Recork
Nope! Get back! You can’t cross the line. Stay on the Birch Beige! This Pale Sand floored section of Herbert Baker’s Church House is reserved exclusively for angels.
Well obviously you can’t see us! No fleshy feet may touch the immaculate thermally and acoustically insulating perfection of the cork flooring, even though its anti-microbial and hypoallergenic properties mean it won’t pick up any actual er… dirt. From you.
No, it’s clearly an admin mix-up. I’ve just had a quick word with the archbish, and he says could you pop along to the other place? Bye now. We’re working.
New Era silica-free sintered stone
Neolith
I’m pretty young, as olive trees go. My dad’s 2000 years old! Still got some lead in his pencil, as you can see! I’m probably about five? Who knows? I’m a tree! But I’m still the oldest thing in this photo. This big rock disc? It was made last week. Sintered, mate. Yeah. Compressed clays, innit – but greener than my bushy coiffe! 100% renewable power, recycled water – and 96% of their waste’s recycled too. And completely free of crystalline silica, which is great for humans, but I don’t care, do I? I love a good mineral, me.
S028 Solid Surface cladding
LX Hausys
‘Vice chancellor? No, not Palestine, amazingly…now students are irate about the 1300-piece cladding on our new Social Sciences building! The concourse is full of tents! It’s chaos! They want us to: "Address the monolithic Alpine Whiteness of Sheffield Uni’s Drum Building. We demand that the undeniable smoothness of its custom-curved HIMACS cladding is reconfigured in a Mount Rushmore-style iteration in Midnight Grey, Coffee Brown or Black Pearl".’
‘I see… good job it’s thermoformable.’