Our cladding selections this month show an industry informed by a narked Corb, goth rock, Christo and climate change, as presented by slate roofing, aluminium sheets, glass and rendered fireboard
StoTherm Mineral K EWI boards
STO
‘Hello? Who??...Mr Corbusier? I’m afraid you’re going to have to speak up..it seems like it’s a very bad line from the OTHER SIDE…’
‘Sorry, what? I see. You’re feeling let down on the old Radiant City front. I know, I know…you meant ‘building in a park’, not car park…but hey, at least you can’t knock us on the renders. This StoTherm Mineral K not only helps insulate but it’s A2-s1,d0 classified and got a StoSilco resin finish with high levels of water repellence..’
‘...yes, yes; I get it’s not a ‘masterful play of volumes’ etc, but at least it’ll look a lot better than your Villa Savoye did by the mid-60s…’
CUPA R12 natural slate roofing
Cupa Pizarras
RIFF RAFF: You’re wet.
JANET: Yes, it’s raining.
RIFF RAFF: I had no idea.
Our brand new Cupa R12 Excellence slates have a 100-year guarantee, so I won’t know when it’s raining for quite some time to come. I think perhaps you’d better both come inside.
JANET: Oh Brad, I’m frightened. What kind of a place is this?
BRAD: Oh, it’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich big shots. But with a roof tested and certified to T1, S1, and W1, it offers excellent peace of mind. So dammit, Janet; stop snivelling – we’ll be just fine.
XT Freeform custom aluminium profile sheets
Kalzip
We had that Christo and Jeanne-Claude quoting, and they said they could only do tarp so we asked that Alexander Calder and he said he can do nice sheet metal but only if it’s moving and 142 metres up well we thought dodgy so we had that Salvador Dali have a look and he said what you want is a nice lobster NOPE so Kalzip finally they done a blinder:
480m2 diagonal curvedridge parallelogram with opposing rounded corners, numbered aluminium sheets craned up there, standing seams flanged on site and no scaffold. Work of art.
Electrochromic and fire protection glass combination
Saint Gobain
‘Saint-Gobain’s triple-glazing with solar control Sageglass Harmony and fire-protective Vetrotech Contraflam literally saved us from climate change!’
‘True. But we can’t go out – and even if we could, there is no ‘out’ any more.’
‘Thank goodness for the roof terrace. I know we can only use it in January, but still, you know… it’s still there.’
‘Who’d have thought that a custom smart envelope based around a simple ESG framework would end up protecting us, the last man and woman alive? Eh Janice?’
‘If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting, Mr Wobblethwaite, you can forget it.’