A philosophical approach to kitchen door fronts and a zealous configurator misunderstood as a gamer – with Vermeer in the bathroom… good fitouts are deeper than you think
Unity Collection kitchens
PWS
I thought he was playing Second Life again! Ever since the troll concubine incident, he thought he was banned – but no! He was in the PWS Unity kitchen configurator, going round and round their 50 finishes in a deepening spiral of possibilities! Anyway, I’ve just done it over lunch, including custom-sized doors to fit that cramped utility, and now I’m just letting him get on with it. He kept muttering ‘Onyx Nero’ in his sleep and I thought it was another sexy avatar! This should keep him busy til the refurb next autumn, and then GTA 6 will be out. Hopefully.
Reframe pedal bin
Unidrain
Father Malarkey? Please come! Yes, it’s Vermeer, popping up out of the bin again! Unidrain reckons most people think the spring-loaded pedal and non-slip rubber foot are good features, but all they do is give him something to push off from! And the soft open/close lid means he comes at us silently!
That Lucy Worsley came round, and she said he was attracted by the ethereally diffuse northern light and the purity of our ultramarine detailing – but please, hurry! We just want to chuck a bit of cotton wool away!
Zerox FX Arizona door fronts
Rotpunkt
How does one discern quality? Is it the lack of a draining board, indicating that somewhere behind those inscrutable finishes lurks a dishwasher of vast capacity? Or is it simply knowing that the chipboard carcass is 90% recycled, and low formaldehyde? Perhaps it’s the walnut-effect laminate panelling? Or the super matt, anti-fingerprint, antibacterial, thermally-healable electron-cured Fenix Beige acrylic resin door fronts?
No. It’s the lack of crumbs, dirty mugs and half-sucked knives, indicating that the owner of this kitchen is so fancy they eat exclusively out of boxes – or order Maccies in.
Stefan Diez bathroom furniture
E15 for Kaldewei
‘Clytemnestra, darling, how much longer?! Daddy needs to use the loo before his big Zoom with Mr Hanks!’
‘Oh Mother don’t get salty! Everyone knows dad’s movie career is cooked. Anyway, I’m doing a new glow-up for the ’gram. Our gorge-oiled, solid European oak bathroom furniture is all over TikTok, & I’ve worked out how to rock the shade and grain by lying in the fab Kaldewei tub, in a bath of strong tea for four hours. It’s gonna be lit! Pop a Xan Ma! He can piddle in the garden FGS, like the absolute granola boy he is.’